I’m not that familiar with what goes in within the basketball industry, or any other sport (except archery) actually. But the article about Jason Collins expressing his sexuality so openly and publicly was very interesting to me. I may not know who exactly he is, but I do know for a fact that a celebrity sharing something personal about himself/herself is not an easy thing to do especially with the fast growing media that we have in our society.
In his article, there were some moments where us readers were able to sense the tension/discourse within his communities. We immediately sensed the tension when he opened up his article stating that he, “didn’t set out to be the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport (Collins).” This conveys the tension that he’s been feeling because he states that he was the first person to open up about his sexuality. He continues to mention his struggle by stating that he was keeping it to himself for 33 years, and also also when his close friend marched in Boston’s Gay Pride Parade. “Hearing what Joe had done filled me with envy..angry that as a closeted gay man couldn’t even cheer my straight friend on as a spectator. (Collins).” He knew that he would not be able to comfortably tell people that he was supporting his friend because he himself was gay. Within his community, those were his main struggles, which caused the discourses between him and the societies around him. The third tension that I was able to notice was when he mentioned his twin brother. Not only did they grow up to become close brothers, but also did many things together, including going to Stanford for education and joining the NBA. Despite them growing together and building a strong relationship, he sensed a difference at a young age, which was him not being as attracted to girls as his brother was. However his brother managed to be fully supportive with him.
There are many places where there are tension within the communities that I fall under. One important one is within my family’s religion. Although I grew up with Christian parents, I always questioned myself in believing the same religion as them. If anything, I personally felt obligated to be one. Another time where I felt tension was with my ethnicity and culture. My parents, being born in South Korea, thus sticking close to more of their Korean traditions than American traditions, was something that I wasn’t able to partake in as much as them. I grew up here in America, and was always surrounded by very Americanized people, which only affected how I perceived my views within my cultures. I felt tension when I was in my archery team. Being in an active and competitive team required me to dedicate hours of practice. This caused a lot of discourse and trouble for me because I wouldn’t be able to spend time with my friends as much as I wanted to.
Your thesis for this post seems to be,"In his article, there were some moments where us readers were able to sense the tension/discourse within his communities." A thesis is a statement that is proved through explanation and persuasion, usually in the form of evidence such as direct quotes and other sources. Therefore, this quote seems to fit the criteria of what a thesis should work as within a paper. I liked how you quoted the article to exemplify a point you were trying to make. As the reader, giving evidence for why you feel some way in particular or think something in particular, is very helpful in making your writing seem more credible and solidly written. Something I believe you should work on is your grammar and syntax. One example of where I noticed some work could be done was at the beginning of your second paragraph. Saying "We" or "Us readers" isn't the greatest grammar for two reasons. 1.Speak for yourself. Especially if you are trying to prove a point. It is virtually impossible to say "we" because you have no idea how others may have perceived the article. So it's always good to just speak for yourself.
ReplyDelete2. The last body paragraph and the conclusion don't really flow together. One suggestion I have may be to change the structure of your last sentence of your last paragraph to help direct the reader's attention to what you are about to introduce in your concluding paragraph.
Zoe Huff